Close Relations

I have had a lot of discussion about families with my fellow clone soldiers, most of us don't seem to have much contact to their families anymore, some even have their families deceased. I haven't seen anyone have any friends who are not capsuleers or other clone soldiers either, baseliners often avoid us, and for a good reason. In a way, being a capsuleer or a clone soldier can be very lonely at times.

I haven't had any contact to my family or relatives for decades, and when I tried to find out where my parents had went, my father finally broke the cycle of death and rebirth, and my mother had also reborn with another identity. My relatives? Don't even remember I existed. My old friends? The few I had have actively tried to avoid me every time I have tried to contact them. Even my old contacts from my hitman times barely remember me, and it has barely been two years after I became a clone soldier. From this, and the recent discussions about marriage, love and other close relations, and from a topic I read in the capsuleer IGS about having kids, I have slowly come into a realization about myself:

I'm probably not going to have close relations with anyone.

I mean, I am a mercenary, I kill people for a living. Most of my days are spent fighting people, often in very painful fashion. When I'm not doing contracts, I'm preparing for them, and with the little time I'm not doing either, I usually spend in solitude, doing my own things. What baseliner wants to be with a man like that, or even a capsuleer or a clone soldier for that matter? It's even worse with capsuleers, unless you're someone who only ever shoots rocks and makes things out of them, you actively participate in killing hundreds, even thousands of people every day when killing pirates and other capsuleers.

Even if you found someone you love and want to raise a family with, how is that going to work? Unless you retire from your career or significantly reduce your active time, you can't really devote any time to your significant other, which becomes especially apparent when children are introduced. What about other clone soldiers? Most of us usually suffer from a PTSD, and those who don't are usually utterly disinterested in any closer relation with anyone.

Being in the ILF has given me a sense of direction, a goal to strive for. I'm not aimlessly wandering the galaxy without any other purpose but to survive another contract to get paid anymore. But I still can't help but feel lonely, since nobody isn't probably crazy enough to even try and engage in an intimate relationship with me. If, when I die permanently and be reborn, the Kalamari bloodline will die with me, since I am not an Idama I am most likely not going to remember my past life.

Kind of ironic really. We "immortal" infomorphs, unphased by death itself, but yet we still have an urge to pass down our DNA -- our legacy with a significant other. I certainly would want to, who wouldn't? Even if I have, an interest in a certain clone soldier, I doubt it would work out at all.

But in the end, I was probably doomed to walk my path alone to begin with and be the last of the Kalamari. In that case, I will certainly try my best that my legacy will be passed on, if not by blood.

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ  

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