Close Relations

I have had a lot of discussion about families with my fellow clone soldiers, most of us don't seem to have much contact to their families anymore, some even have their families deceased. I haven't seen anyone have any friends who are not capsuleers or other clone soldiers either, baseliners often avoid us, and for a good reason. In a way, being a capsuleer or a clone soldier can be very lonely at times.

I haven't had any contact to my family or relatives for decades, and when I tried to find out where my parents had went, my father finally broke the cycle of death and rebirth, and my mother had also reborn with another identity. My relatives? Don't even remember I existed. My old friends? The few I had have actively tried to avoid me every time I have tried to contact them. Even my old contacts from my hitman times barely remember me, and it has barely been two years after I became a clone soldier. From this, and the recent discussions about marriage, love and other close relations, and from a topic I read in the capsuleer IGS about having kids, I have slowly come into a realization about myself:

I'm probably not going to have close relations with anyone.

I mean, I am a mercenary, I kill people for a living. Most of my days are spent fighting people, often in very painful fashion. When I'm not doing contracts, I'm preparing for them, and with the little time I'm not doing either, I usually spend in solitude, doing my own things. What baseliner wants to be with a man like that, or even a capsuleer or a clone soldier for that matter? It's even worse with capsuleers, unless you're someone who only ever shoots rocks and makes things out of them, you actively participate in killing hundreds, even thousands of people every day when killing pirates and other capsuleers.

Even if you found someone you love and want to raise a family with, how is that going to work? Unless you retire from your career or significantly reduce your active time, you can't really devote any time to your significant other, which becomes especially apparent when children are introduced. What about other clone soldiers? Most of us usually suffer from a PTSD, and those who don't are usually utterly disinterested in any closer relation with anyone.

Being in the ILF has given me a sense of direction, a goal to strive for. I'm not aimlessly wandering the galaxy without any other purpose but to survive another contract to get paid anymore. But I still can't help but feel lonely, since nobody isn't probably crazy enough to even try and engage in an intimate relationship with me. If, when I die permanently and be reborn, the Kalamari bloodline will die with me, since I am not an Idama I am most likely not going to remember my past life.

Kind of ironic really. We "immortal" infomorphs, unphased by death itself, but yet we still have an urge to pass down our DNA -- our legacy with a significant other. I certainly would want to, who wouldn't? Even if I have, an interest in a certain clone soldier, I doubt it would work out at all.

But in the end, I was probably doomed to walk my path alone to begin with and be the last of the Kalamari. In that case, I will certainly try my best that my legacy will be passed on, if not by blood.

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ  

Pressure Valve

That is how a friend of mine described the Empyrean War, as a pressure valve. Why would she describe it as that, as she is a fierce supporter of the Caldari? The answer she gave me was quite simple, really:

"...until the day the pressure valve is not enough, and the empires go to war for real.

At that point, the choices are essentially swift victory or an age of dust and ashes, perhaps even a new dark age as the outer powers take advantage of the empires' struggles and move in. The worst case in such a scenario is that Sansha's Nation emerges the eventual victor. It would be nice if that were unlikely, but a power that builds its forces by swallowing others' populations is a threat indeed.

...only do not say that the war is without point. This is a thing that must be, until the empires weary of rage and rhetoric and return to the wary peace of the prior century."

-- Yun Hee Ryeon

When I think about it, it is actually quite a compelling argument in my opinion. Right now, the Empyrean War doesn't really affect anything, it's an ISK farm for most capsuleers, and that is where they get the best goodies to fit their ships with, and the control these militias have over the systems is nominal at best. A few weeks later and the ownership has switched hands again.

I still firmly believe that this war should not be happening at my homeland, over Intaki and her colonies, and I will continue fight for the secession of our land, even if it is going to take an eternity to achieve. However, when I think about it, there might be more to this war than we'd think. Perhaps, it is not really meant as a war, but as a method of keeping capsuleers, and the tensions between the four empires in check. If the Empyrean War were to cease right now in its current form, what would happen?

Honestly, I do not know. But if my friend Yun Hee is correct, what would follow is a full-scale open warfare between the nations, where they put their own armies and fleets at risk, resulting in an even greater chaos and bloodshed than the current Empyrean War is causing. And if things were to go really bad, Sansha's Nation would press even harder on their incursions, with big enough of a force that the current forces fighting on these incursions would not be enough. Then things would go really, really bad.

Still, it is not right for the people living on the planets designated as the warzone to suffer the consequences of a war they had nothing to do with, especially that Intaki was one of the founding planets of the Gallente Federation in the first place. But is the war a, necessary evil to maintain the powerbalance between the empires, until a peace can be established? In any case, I hope that a peace of some sorts can be established to stop this nonsense.

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ  

Death

Death. A concept that affects every single living being, but yet is barely understood. Even we "immortals", the capsuleers and clone soldiers still experience death, even if it is only temporary.

Most capsuleers on average die a handful of times during a year, depending on their profession. Most likely all of those deaths happen inside the pod, done quick without pain or suffering. But we clone soldiers, we are different. When we die, it usually isn't a calm, peaceful death. Most of the time, our deaths happen in pain, in the middle of a battlefield. Then when your body finally gives up and you die, you are quickly shunned back into battle to experience the same again. We die more often within a month that most capsuleers do in several years.

I remember this one time, when I was doing a contract, a sniper rifle bullet had penetrated my shields and went through most of my armor, I was running to a friendly logi to patch me up again, when I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my shoulder, collapsing on the ground in pain. Information suddenly appeared on my visor as I was lying there on the ground, telling me that a Caldari Assault dropsuit hit me with a Toxin assault rifle bullet, it had shattered my shoulder and ruptured my lungs, and I was lying there helpless as I felt my insides disintegrating. I tried to scream for help, but all I could let out was gargled cough, blood filling up my helmet from the inside as my lungs were collapsing. I was lying there helplessly for a full minute, before my body finally gave up and I died. Next thing I remember I was back in my quarters, lying on the ground and feeling like my insides were on fire.

Right now all of that only seems like a distant bad dream, but the pain, the panic is still very much real, and I will never forget the pain I have endured. Sometimes I can be lucky and die from a bullet piercing my brains, or from an explosion, only a quick pressure on your body before the darkness.

Darkness, that is the best way I can describe the feel between switching bodies, when I can be considered dead. Usually it is said that there isn't anything during this transition period, maybe it's because of this implant I have, but I can feel that darkness for the brief few moments it lasts. I used to dread it, I was afraid of the silence, the emptiness, the loneliness. But nowadays, I welcome it. I like the darkness, the emptiness, the silence, in there I can be by myself, away from the pain of battle. Sometimes it is over before I realize it, other times it feels like an eternity. I wonder if this is how Idama feel when they are passing on in life and inhabiting a new body.

When I have talked to the clone soldiers who have had the first generation implants in their heads have described a voice talking to them, whispering them what to do, what to think, what to say. I have never experienced this voice myself, but sometimes I feel like, there is an alien presence in my mind. Sometimes, I barely remember the battle I was just in, the only thing I remember is walking in the Warbarge and brief flashes from the heat of battle. Sometimes when I do remember the battles, I feel like these memories are not mine, but someone else's. When in battles, sometimes I feel like I don't have control of my body. I don't know if I'm going to turn right, turn left, or just stop and collapse on my knees, I feel like a helpless observer.

Being a clone soldier can be very tolling on the mind, and many of the people I have known, who were completely sane in the start, have become insane, maddened by the constant death and pain. We say that these clone soldiers: "go 514", since many of the first generation clone soldiers experienced hallucinations of the number 514, often written in blood. I wonder if the same is happening to me. Am I going insane, am I losing my mind? That is a question I fear to ask myself.

All clone soldiers have found their own ways to deal with these questions, and the ever-present madness that is pressing on our minds. Some just snap and go 514, some try to retire and go back to civilian life, a life that is never going to be possible for them again. Others don't seem to fight at all, they embrace the madness, they become the wind instead of fighting it, making them even more deadly. The rest of us who hold on, have different ways of dealing with it. I focus on my conviction, my ultimate goal I strive for in the form of liberating Intaki to keep my mind off the madness.

But in the end, there is always going to be a question troubling my mind, a question I can not answer myself, yet is always haunting me:

Who am I?

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ  

Upon Afterthought

A few months ago, I believed that the Gallente Federation had its problems, but was still overall good and not a total wreck like some other people claim it to be. That belief is slowly fading away, when time and time again I run into Gallenteans that are completely ignorant of other ideals, governments, faiths or anything not identified as Gallentean. For now, I have simply tried to correct their false views and moved on, but today, something really, upsetting happened to me.

There is a mercenary, going by the callsign of DeadlyAztec11, saying that he is an Intaki like me. At first, I was respectful of him, he seemed a peaceful, sensible person and most of all, I wasn't all by myself as the only Intaki in the Intergalactic Summit. Then he comments that the Amarrian scriptures are an abomination. Okay, that was acceptable in my view, still has my respect. Then he babbles something about a Caldari secret facility with top-secret documents stored in a facility within Caldari Prime about some Caldari Breeding Program. My friend Yun Hee tried to correct him, only to be replied with blind ignorance. Okay, annoying, but still manageable. But then, comes this.

And that was it, I snapped. I lashed out at him and called him with the most rude and vile insults I could think of in Intaki. The amount of ignorance he showed with that post was through the roof, and the last shred of respect I had for him was lost. He is not an Intaki, he is a pawn of the Gallente, his mind filled with propaganda and false beliefs about the Federation.

...

I tried to be calm, I tried to make reason with him. But when he calls my corporation, and thus me terrorists with no actual evidence, that went way too far for my comfort. Yes, I may have been a bit too extreme with my replies, and on afterthought, the insults may have been too much. After all, I am pretty much the only person representing the Intaki Liberation Front on the Intergalacting Summit, and what kind of an impression do I make of our corporation when I lash out like that? It's just, I am really passionate about the corporation which I am fortunate enough to be a part of. To see my corporation insulted like that, I just can't be calm and try to resolve the matter peacefully. At least I wasn't alone defending the ILF, surprisingly an Amarrian, True Adamance was the first one to jump in to defend our corporation, and soon after that Yun Hee Ryeon also came in. I thank you both for that.

I think I'll make a correction about the ILF, and an apology for my lashing out at a later date, once I have gathered my thoughts. Sorry, everyone.

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ