I do not know who I am anymore.

What I have seen, what I  have experienced, what I have done over this half a year of absolute silence; it all has confounded me to the point where I question my own role in the grand scheme of things.

I do not know why I am here.

I was hunted by a foe far beyond my capabilities to take head on, so I evaded them. I ceased all communications and fled, doing whatever I could to survive. To survive, I had to do hasty decision - questionable acts. What ended up happening, caused a lot of innocent blood to be spilled.

I do not know where to go.

I have begun reaching for my old contacts again, reforming connections; the looming threat over me has been dealt with, Even so, my career has been shook deeply. I adapted a whole new way of life over a half-year period, and now I can barely perform a clone soldier contract without feeling like an absolute wreck afterwards. The discomforting feel that I am immortal again has returned.

I do not know who I can trust.

Six months of distrust. Six months of being a puppet. Six months of bloodshed, death and misery for people I barely knew and had no loyalties at all towards. Now, just being around people is making me uneasy.

I do not know why I am doing this.

Just the mere act of bringing these thoughts of mine into words is giving me great struggle, further questioning my decision to do it in the first place. This site has been the place to gather and share my thoughts, but I want to tell more. I want to tell of the deeds I had done, of the experiences I had, but I mustn't. I can't. I won't.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know.

Maybe one day, when my mind is clear I will share these experiences. But for today, and the foreseeable future, pouring my thoughts out onto this page of text will suffice. For all the bad things that have happened though, I can find solace in one thing:

I am not alone anymore.

Denak Kalamari

1 comment:

  1. Mr Denak,

    You don't know me but I've studied your documented thoughts here with interest on recommendation from an acquaintance and I find your feelings, while disquieting, courageous and defiant in the face of what you seem to see as an overly deterministic universe. Your latest post alarms me because I recognise your experience of such disorientation, superficially in some ways, but strong in the fear of the unknown and the knowledge of how small we are in the grand scheme. May Winds protect you and whisper of your deeds, whatever they may be.