Change

First proper entry to this thing, about a thing I started pondering when I was talking to a friend of mine in the emissary I had just set up. The entire conversation was about a different subject, but something she said could be boiled down to a question: "Am I the same person who I was before becoming a clone soldier?". Technically not, most of my time is spent using clones that are nothing like me and don't even have the genetic structure that would link me to those clones. But still I use my name Denak, talk the same way, act the same way, my family would still recognise me if I met them again in my leisure clone.

But am I the same person deep down? The more I think about it, the more I am uncertain. Three years ago, when I was recruited into the Immortal Soldier Program, I was impulsive, quick-tempered and generally quite aggressive and loud mouthed. Now, reserved, thoughtful, quiet when among strangers but very relaxed when with friends, some might even call me cold and ruthless when in combat and that I fight without honour. Years of conditioning and strict authority when being trained might have had something to do with that, but in my opinion it's about something else, my implant.

No, I'm not talking about the generation 1 implants that caused their users to go crazy, I'm talking about the general idea of my "immortality". While I disagree that we are anywhere close to being immortal, you can't help the feel in combat that you seem invincible when even death itself can not reach you. For some, it could make you reckless, uncaring about others and yourself and living just to get another paycheck. For me, it has made me think about the situation, why I fight for the reasons I am fighting. In the faith Ida, it is believed that death is only the beginning of the journey, that after you die you are reborn in a new body to experience life again. Only the Idama can remember their past lives, and are the ones that can break the cycle. They think that cloning is only an extension of this faith.

I do not follow Ida to all it's beliefs, but the concept of rebirth has always made me ponder. Personally, I believe that when I die in battle, I am reborn in a new body just like in Ida, only that the body which I am reborn to is predetermined. I am an experience wiser, and I am now prepared to back right back into battle.

So have I changed after being made a clone soldier? In some ways yes, on others no. I am a lot calmer now than I used to be and also more open towards other people and not so cautious. Are all the changes good? I would like to think so. I may sometimes overthink things or not think them through properly, but in the end I like the new me.

Prataya yavati, readers.

ཟར༴ཐ٦ཡཐ༴ འཤན༴བ བ༴ཏ༴མ༴ར٦ ٦ནད༴བ٦ ༴འ٦٦ད ན٦བ༴༴ٲ